Players
(Formerly Colorado Players but half these c***knockers have buggered off back to civilisation)
Ah, sunny Colorado. Friends come and go but these tosseurs seem to stick like noxious adhesive (unlike the Former Colorado Folk). Not 'ere? Perhaps you were an school variety, or from uni, or part of the fam?
Player | Existence | Most Likely To... |
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Jane Aitken | ![]() |
Bust brains. Win a speed-talking competition. Discourage investment in Le Marche. |
Rachel Armstrong | ![]() |
Out-IM the MSN equivalent of IBM's "Big Blue". Get caught in the personal development-consumerlife tug of war |
Chris Ash | ![]() |
Talk incessantly about how much Americans like foreigners. Keep taking the pills. Threaten to shave Al's hair if he pulls again. Likes this hand job. |
Sunanda Bachu | ![]() |
Become linguistically American in record time |
Keith Bailey | ![]() |
Nipple-clamp you into a bootyquake |
Danielle Balestier | ![]() |
Minx things up, a possible reaction to underemployment or the comparative ennui of Colorado life |
Pete Batty![]() |
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Purchase elaborate gadgets at inflated prices |
Catie Baumer | ![]() |
Play Meg Ryan as a cosmopolitan-swilling, city-dwelling, hardnosed businesswoman running a military-industrial complex, only to realise her destiny lay in being a tree hugging children's Tv presenter, after a stint of being an escort for Richard 'Bumface' Gere. Who'd have thought it? |
Mr "Biggie" Big | ![]() |
Hyperactively snog you on the way out of the pool |
Graham Bland![]() |
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Come 1st in a
smooth/suave/sophisticated competition.
In Scumthorpe. |
Rachelle Bowen | ![]() |
Loop the loop, compete with John & Glenn for Brit-lover of the year. |
Amy Boyd | ![]() |
Out-network a switchboard |
Al Brown | ![]() |
Say any of the following phrases or words, repeatedly: "If you know what I'm saying/ I mean", "Great", "Brilliant", "Mate". Currently sporting an Aussie accent |
David Campbell | ![]() |
From the Far East through the East End, Corporate Droid to self-styled solo Kray twin sans frontieres. Namaste indeed. |
Lindsay Campbell | ![]() |
Dance her way to yoga heaven. Cohabit with some cadgers. Covet Callies' career. |
Maura Capaul | ![]() |
Organize world trips, get rich from one of those schemes |
Roger Carribine | ![]() |
Buy and sell more shares in a day than George Soros / |
Cyndi ![]() |
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Give up on her mates when in a relationship. Come back to them when it's over. |
David "Dr Davis" Davis | ![]() |
Carry on mobile narcotics unit |
Marjorie De Puy | ![]() |
Claim to be from New Zealand, nurse an old bleeder |
Jodi "Red Scarf" Dick | ![]() |
Knit her way into the upper echelons of education |
Derren Duburguet![]() |
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"Deals off". Misunderstanding his role. When is DQD?? |
Wayne Du Preez | ![]() |
Blunter than an old pick axe, get into a fight based on a sporting point of view (ie SA rules). |
"Fat" Mike Ellis | ![]() |
End up as a minor celeb, having scammed the laydeez with his shaken-not-stirred approach. |
Flat Eric | ![]() |
Get into amazingly tight spots, win over parties |
Kelly Fagan | ![]() |
Alco-rage after one merlot too many. Commendable chunder record, mind. |
Jay Fishel | ![]() |
Simultaneously pull & push away
birds in the Vail house.
Introduce you to the joy that is Larry Williams (Bayam!) |
Shauna Fitzmorris | ![]() |
Suitably situated in this list adjacent to Seanie |
Sean Flannery -- the Second Coming | ![]() |
Born-again clubber, Seanio's back bigger and more barking than ever. More likely than most to engage in any 'scene'-related activity. |
Double-oh-David Flannery | ![]() |
See previous, but with enhanced pulling power |
Camille Foote | ![]() |
Reconstruct the scene |
John Fowler | ![]() |
Move his body like a character from
Toy Soldiers. Bit of a romeo Wishes he was British (don't we all?). Prone to recording the odd phone call |
Joey "nice 'n' easy" Frease | ![]() |
Hike up a mountain rather than take a ski-lift. Other than that, be the laziest resident of Boulder. |
Nick Furness ![]() |
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Get swallowed by his own rectum. Consistent winner of the "Poor Man's Pete Batty" award since '96. |
Glenn Goodrich![]() |
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Oscillate between anger and ecstasy.
Say "Hi" in a high-pitched voice. Currently sweating in the South Have good knowledge of British comedy, as well as be a comedy himself. |
Simon Gurner | ![]() |
Use an ugly Australian as his 'Wingman'. |
Monica "Mo" Hargis | ![]() |
Be seen in the Scooby Doo Wagon. Currently on parole in Boston. Wish that I replace this photy with a more flattering one |
Sarah Harris | ![]() |
Adopt an American |
Jon Hartley
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Tartley: Confounded moron, or bumbling idiot? |
Susan Herdina | ![]() |
Realize that Redlands is Deadlands.
Know the meaning of warm milk.
Settle for someone alphabetically adjacent on this list. |
Erin Hirsch | ![]() |
Jump aboard the summer of leisure,
Vail-house / Country Club-style.
Settle for someone who used to be alphabetically adjacent on this list. |
Barrett "Golden Badger" "Drunky" cvgHogue | ![]() |
Be a deviant Canadian Communist born 80 years too late and blaming the city of Houston & the Lakers for it. |
Jason Ihaia | ![]() |
Dazzle women with his "yeah yeah" / "Awesome" routine. About 4 coach loads of donkey snot. |
Regi Jenkins | ![]() |
Electrocute small mammals |
Ken Johns | ![]() |
Break his neck with his 720 turns. Currently in a bleak northern town. |
Tanya "Spitfire" Keil | ![]() |
Scream "Los Gatos" in high pitch, out-step an aerobics instructor. Seen here being impersonated by an as yet unknown imposter |
Kelley Kiefer | ![]() |
Organize a her social life on marathon lines. Regurgitate blokes |
Neil Kirkwood | ![]() |
Give the misleading impression that not all Geordies are loud |
Jess Knampbell | ![]() |
Campbell-obsessed, technophiliac love doctor |
Renee "Redbull" Larson | ![]() |
Get in there. Take up physical education as a career. |
Rifca "Squiffy Riffy" LeDieu | ![]() |
Go from nought to squiffy in breathtaking time. |
Matt "Shiv" McFarland![]() |
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Infuse the scene with his insane
Philly moves in order to cover up his 41 year old, balding accountant,
lives-with-mother driving habits.
<JB> Welcome Aboard </JB> |
Lance McGee![]() |
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Get beaten in table footy (arf arf). |
Dani McIntyre | ![]() |
Leave threatening voicemails |
Chris "McShag" McShanag | ![]() |
Suffer from delusions of grandeur |
Kat Mason | ![]() |
The Jeckyl & Hyde of the social conduct spectrum |
Alex Menendez | ![]() |
Sport some of the bigger San Fran
surfer nawks.
Score one of the cooler player photies. Smoooove. |
Kerry Moyer | ![]() |
Laugh the longest |
Katie O'Brien | ![]() |
Live a semi-charmed kind of Californian existence. Fall foul of a pappagallo in disguise. |
Ray "O'Ted" O'Connell | ![]() |
Get skanked by a dodgy car dealer. Ray, did you learn nothing in Liverpool? |
Kim "e" Oram-Smith |
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Oscillate between ecstasy & agony - within a minute. Get hitched to a blagger. |
James "Aussie Ozzy" Osborne | ![]() |
Property magnate, IT chancer and survivor of seven cvg/slb rounds. Convince people to buy more real estate over a rumour-filled lunchtime concerning impending layoffs.. |
Aaron "Topper" Patterson | ![]() |
Flash the cash on overpriced goods (see 'Pete Batty Syndrome') |
Cary Payne | ![]() |
Be the highest paid female I know |
Emma Pearson | ![]() |
Enjoy Indie muzak |
Mark "Percy" Percy | ![]() |
Surf the Flange wave |
Carlo Piccini | ![]() |
Chauffeur to the |
Kelly Plasto | ![]() |
Drown in a vat of red wine, causing countless others to come to the party. |
Stephanie Reed | ![]() |
Love the world.
Empower the e generation |
Patrick Robinson | ![]() |
Get confused about work-life balance |
Marcy Rosenbloom | ![]() |
Be hounded into hiding |
Amy St John | ![]() |
Out-belch someone twice her weight / half her IQ |
James "Softie" Sanders | ![]() |
Be more British than Blur |
Elizabeth Sargent | ![]() |
Come out on the pool |
Greg "the company psycho" Scott | ![]() |
Wrestle the CEO to the floor |
Milo Schaffer | ![]() |
Get molecular on yo ass. Still a ringer Ali-G, though, innit. |
Bitsy Schneider | ![]() |
Mash her feet for relief |
Brooke Schoener | ![]() |
Outspank Armitage Shanks |
Shannon Schroeder | ![]() |
Typify the descent into /emancipation in early thirties singledom. An American Bridget Jones for our times? Wilkommen. Currently on assignment in Blighty for Scumberger. |
Lauren Self | ![]() |
Belie her Midwest girl-next-door look/leanings. A siren for her times. |
Dana Sisti | ![]() |
Wear a different pair of shoes every hour of the day. Sing without feeling for those around her. |
Rob Smithson | ![]() |
Heir to the throne / Mark Thatcher
half-brother.
Aspire to geekdom. |
Neil Stone ![]() |
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Be relegated to sidekick status, in spite of musical taste exceeding the norm. |
Stoppenhagen | ![]() |
Dispense with formality. Move to, erm, rural Suffolk |
Katie Syverud | ![]() |
Display that sense of liberated/empowered 21st century woman. But is it believable? |
Justin "Kraka" Thomas | ![]() |
Write the world's best UT
Stats generator. Have to endure circumnoncery
at work.
Impersonate Rolf Harris. |
Adam Tonkin | Couldn't put a photy in here or the site would be overrun with females | Try and chat up, okka-style*, anything that moves. Phenomenal, erm, hit rate. |
Deborah Thompson | ![]() |
Live a life of luxury |
Gareth Thompson | ![]() |
Snowboard like a small child |
Riaan Van Tonder | ![]() |
Whinge about how his Rugby/Cricket/whatever team fail to beat England and/or Australia |
George Wallace | ![]() |
Save lots of money but die in misery. Wear the same t-shirt/troosers for a season. |
Marty "Farty Bowels" Walls | ![]() |
Use his bowels to comedy effect |
Nikki Wheeler | ![]() |
Relate to Washington |
Roger Wilde | ![]() |
Be more manic than a six year old child on tartaric acid-filled orange squash. And a better snowboarder. |
Erica Winkler
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Purchase a season ski pass - without using it. Click here to see what could have been. |
Rob "Iron Monger" Younger | ![]() |
Wax eloquent on matters to do with footy/snowboarding. Singlehandedly win an RMFC game |
*this does not always involve words